Angry with myself

Yesterday night, after Jovian cereal milk, she is very tired so i put her on her cot and pat her sleep but she don't want. and keep sitting up. (When Jovian laying dwn on her cot, she knows how to sit up by herself on 19/04/08, this is the 1st time she sitting up by herself)

I am having heavy flu, i not feeling so well and more worse how i make Jovian, she just don't sleep. I feel so angry and scolded at her loudly and say to her " if you don't sleep i won't let you sleep!". I carry her out to sit on the floor and let her cry. I really feel very frustrated and sick and hate to look at her.... I put her to sleep twice, she still sitting up so i beat her on her face. (not so hard....)

My husband see me so angry, he quickly go to play with Jovian and let me calm dwn. I really dunno what happen to me, I keep feeling very frustrated about little things, i really feel so tired!!!

How can i be so rough to Jovian??? I also dunno....

I find that looking after a child is a tiring things some more need to wake up at night to feed her milk. Sick also need to do all the things by myself!!! Other mum is so relax on looking after their child, i dunno why i feel so stress.I really not a good mum!!!

I need to let Jovian sleep early cause she need to wake up early every morning, i scare she dun have enough sleep. Some more she go to my MIL place, she seldom sleep. She become more and more thinner, I afraid she not healthy enough. She drink lest milk now, dunno her tooth coming out or she is sick...... I try to let her sleep for 10hrs at night until morning but yesterday she only going to sleep at 10pm, which means only sleep for 8hrs. Last week, Jovian having flu, i bring her to clinic. The doctor measure her weight, she is 7.9kg at 10 months, the doctor say Jovian is too light for her month, she need to obtain 9kg when she reach 1 yr old!!! I so worry about her health, cos i working, and i also dunno what my MIL feed her or got let her sleep. I cnt ask MIL too much, later gonna her scold again, and ask me to look after myself. I still waiting for time to bring her to childcare when she reach 18 months.

Jovian hand and shoulder suddenly got many rashes, dunno whether is the weather too warm or my house or her cot is dirty. but i clean the house on every wkend.... or my MIL sweating and keep carry Jovian, or Jovian keep carrying her sofe toy.... i also dunno....

I will bring Jovian to see doctor tomorrow again, to check what happen, I scare the hand, mouth disease, but she did not go childcare so i don't think so....